Navigating Divorce: A Guide for Newly Single Mothers

This post was written by Frankie Wallace.

No one gets married expecting the relationship to eventually crumble. However, almost one in five marriages in South Africa end in divorce.

Going through a divorce can be difficult enough on its own, but it’s even harder when children are caught in the middle. You have to go through the process of explaining what a divorce means for your children, as well as dealing with the changes they’ll have to go through.

Depending on the outcome of your divorce, your kids might have to change schools, move out of a familiar home, or even move away from a town they love. That’s a lot for a single mother to stress about, especially on top of the rollercoaster of emotions you’re already dealing with.

Take a deep breath. You’re not alone, and you can get through this. Let’s cover how you can navigate this transitional time with your kids, so you can all look forward to the next chapter together.

Actively Communicate

It’s never going to be easy to talk to your children about your divorce. However, it’s necessary to explain certain things to them. Their lives are going to change, and they need to understand why.

Does that mean you need to go into every detail of your divorce and why it happened? No. Use age-appropriate language and consider what’s necessary for them to know. Anything you say should be for the betterment of your children, so keep the following in mind as you sit down to have your conversation:

• Don’t divulge details
• Keep a neutral tone when talking about their other parent
• Don’t ask about the other parent’s personal life
• Remain consistent with everything from your routines to disciplinary measures
• Provide reassurance

Chances are, your kids are going to have plenty of questions. You won’t be able to have a one-time conversation with them and never talk about the effects of your divorce again. As long as you make sure your children know they are your top priority and you don’t say negative things about your ex, you’ll be in good shape.

Changing Schedules

Routine is important for everyone. It makes it easier to cope with change and develop healthy habits that can last a lifetime. It’s especially important for children to have a healthy routine, which makes divorce even more difficult. Your divorce attorney may be helping you push for a specific type of custody, but for now you need to work at the level you’re at.

Ideally, you’ll be able to work out a schedule with your former spouse that allows your children to stay in one place the majority of the time. Most kids benefit from having a “home base” rather than traveling back and forth between houses every few days.

However, if you decide to split your custodial rights with your ex, do what you can to be on the same page about your kids’ schedules. They should be the same at both houses so your children aren’t thrown off guard or confused.

When it comes to things like holidays and special occasions, it’s a good idea to have a schedule in place on a yearly basis so everyone knows what to expect. That might include alternating holidays each year, or splitting those days with equal time if you live close enough.

It can be hard to be away from your children, even for a few days here and there. However, you can use that time to rediscover who you are. Making time for yourself isn’t selfish. It’s a necessary part of the healing process and can end up making you a better mother. Practice self-care when your kids are away, and you’ll be refreshed, de-stressed, and more energetic when they get back.

Dealing With Major Transitions

In a perfect world, everything would stay the same in your children’s lives after a divorce. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. You might have to move out of your marital home, travel to a new town, or enroll your kids in a new school. Moving can be exciting, but it tends to cause a lot of short-term stress. In addition to the chore of packing and sorting, you’ll undoubtedly start to feel a range of emotions, including everything from sadness to anxiety.

Imagine how your kids feel about it.

You can help your children adjust to moving by implementing a few helpful tips.

• Talk to them about it as early as possible
• Acknowledge and validate their feelings
• Show them your new home
• Keep comfortable routines
• Give them some input

Most importantly, give your kids time to adjust. They have a lot on their plate and moving into a new neighborhood or adjusting to a new school can feel overwhelming. Give them a break, and let them take some time to grieve the loss of the life they once had. Keep providing reassurance and be there for support when they need it, but don’t push or pressure them to keep their chin up for a while.

As a newly single mother, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. You might even feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re going to do better at this than you think! Keep the suggestions here in mind, and continue to prioritize the well-being of your kids as you keep moving forward.

This is a collaborative post.