Most healthy relationships are full of friction, in fact friction is par for the course as relationships are comprised of two individuals who have very different ideas, tastes, preferences, value systems, cultural upbringing, parenting styles and more.
One partner might complain that the other is driving them crazy with all the things they are doing whilst the other may think they are being unreasonable. This is just another example of the negative dance that some couples get into, and if not monitored can lead to break-up or divorce.
If you are able to find a way to like your partner, to find a way to remember that he/she is still the loving, exciting person you married, then many of these “irritating” actions might subside.
The first thing to remind yourself of when your partner is “driving you crazy”, is accepting that this experience is part of being in a committed relationship.
Find a way to stretch past your negative emotions and critical thoughts (reactions) – reach out by asking them to sit opposite you so that you can both connect with each other. Sit as close as possible, knees touching/intertwined and hands touching. Don’t say a word for at least 5 mins – this may seem uncomfortable or like a deafening silence but it is important.
Once you are in this space, in your mind remind yourself of all the things that attracted you to this person in the first place. What they mean to you, what they do for you, how they show you they care for and love you in their own silly kind of way (even if it is frustrating for you at times), the happy times you have shared together, the challenging times you have overcome together, being there for each other, supporting each other etc.
Once you’ve gathered all this information in your mind, start sharing it with your partner. Let each one have a turn reminding the other of all of the above things. Once done, continue to sit there quietly looking at each other and sharing all that is good and positive through your eyes, your knees that are intertwined and your hands that are touching. Feel it in your soul, your thoughts.
Now you might think this is crazy, especially when you are not in a positive space to begin with, but it’s important that you try, stretch yourself to reach out and persevere until this becomes easier each time you need to use this tool.
Most of us let our feelings lead us rather than our intention. However, we all want a better relationship/partner; therefore our intention should be to do what it takes to help create one. That includes not waiting to “feel like being romantic, loving or kind”.
You are more than your problems, your partner is more than the negative thoughts you may think about him or her, and your relationship can improve very quickly. How? When there is friction, APPLY SOME OIL….and infusing your relationship with positive intentions, thoughts and actions is the key (the oil).
Here are 5 ways to introduce positivity into your relationship:
1) Bring up topics with your partner that you have never discussed before. Talking about new things helps you share ideas, thoughts and to learn more about each other.
2) Do an activity that you have never done together before (e.g. dance lessons, cooking class etc) – sharing a new experience together helps create positive connection, memories and laughter/fun.
3) Take turns making arrangements for activities (e.g. date night, going to new places, trying new things etc) – you are both equally responsible for keeping your relationship alive and therefore both need to take an interest and make an effort.
4) Allow each other to be playful and creative (both in and out the bedroom) – sometimes we just need to let go and be silly for 5 mins. Whether it is dancing in the rain, feeding each other, or role playing. It gives us the freedom to express ourselves fully and to feel alive.
5) Do not place expectations on each other – you’re setting yourself (and the other) up for disappointment. Agree on your personal and relationship boundaries and live by those as a sign of respect to each other and your relationship. Remember no one can make you happy but they sure can contribute to your happiness.
Your relationship is an adventure there to be lived like the start of each new day – treat it that way and you will see the energy rise in you and in your relationship!
Try my Relationship Evaluation Tool to review your relationship and highlight any areas that you can improve on. This tool can be used to evaluate any kind of relationship not just romantic ones e.g. friendships (you know those ones that seem draining and tiresome), colleagues at work, a supplier or even your job! Get it here.
If you would like a quick call with me to discuss your results from the Relationship Evaluation Tool or something that’s concerning you about your relationship or a situation you are facing right now please don’t hesitate to contact me here. I’ll be happy to assist you with any questions you have.
Paula Quinsee is a Relationship Wellness Coach in Johannesburg. She teaches individuals and organisations the importance of quality relationships using emotional intelligence and Imago Therapy. Attend one of her regular monthly workshops for great empowering tools. For more information go to www.ati2ud.com
Paula has given us a copy of her book called Embracing Conflict to giveaway to one lucky reader!
To enter please tell me a way you bring positivity into your relationship.
Competition is open to SA residents only and ends on the 22 June 2016.
One way that I bring positivity into my relationship with my husband is compliments and acknowledgement.
Whenever he does something good, I always show gratification and always acknowledge his good deed.
I am also very lavish with compliments and praise as it sets him in a better mood and boosts his self image .. when we’re both in a better mood, we’re better towards each other.
Find what makes you feel loved. Find what makes you feel alive and invite your partner to be a part of it. People that really love each other want to see their partner light up, have success, have fun, and live life.Likewise, help your partner discover what lights them up and fills them with joy. Sharing these experiences together can spark up a dull flame, especially after years of just existing in the relationship.This could be something simple, like doing starting a hobby or a club together, or something big, like starting a business with your partner.I remember when my partner and I started our clothing business together. It brought us so much closer. We worked together and thrived in the business, and were able to bring that into the relationship. We had things to talk and strategize about and were able to bring those skills into our marriage.
Relationships are like a baby that needs to be nurtured , by giving each other appreciations often, example “I appreciate your sense of humor”. I make him feel cherished, by paying special attention to him in simple ways, when I first wake up, when I leave for work, I give him a lingering hug and a kiss. Also if there is an “argument”, I am careful with my tone because its not so much the words that make the impact than the tone in which its said
Loving yourself and working on yourself is the beginning of all change, whether the change is in you or in someone else. Simply put, you can’t change someone else, but you can encourage change in those around you by the love, positivity, radiance, and growth you reflect. Spending your energy on pushing others to become what you want them to be will only detract from your own growth. Instead, focus on yourself and progressing in your own way. Live as an example for what you want to see in those around you, and your relationship.