Preventing “Leaving Neverland” from happening to your child and WIN 5 copies of a helpful book

I’ve tried two times now to watch the “Leaving Neverland” documentary and I’ve failed miserably. I just am not able to listen to these stories of how the “king of pop” used his position to sexually abuse two young boys, aged 7 and 10 for seven and four years respectively. It’s sickening but what particularly gets to me is the innocent face of Wade Robson at five years old, participating in a dance contest, and how much that face reminds me of my own child. Innocent, trusting and vulnerable. So how do we as parents safeguard our own children from creeps like Michael Jackson? I’ve recently come across an excellent and resourceful book that outlines how to do this and also all you need to know if you find yourself in this position.

The book is called “Every Parent’s Nightmare: A practical guide for dealing with child abuse.” The subtitle explains the contents well: “Knowing the signs, addressing the problem, supporting your child if it happens PLUS Tips for keeping your child safe.”

This book is an excellent reference for anyone dealing with this kind of situation from all vantage points. It is a South African book written by Bruna Dessena, herself a victim of abuse. You read her story right at the beginning of the book about how a her father’s best friend who shared a house with the family abused her for three years until one night when she decided to scream and it came to a end.

I think the significant thing I got out of this book was a very clear picture of who as a child is at risk here and how as parents there are very simple things we can do to safeguard them.

Probably the most important thing is: the closeness you have and attention you are giving to your child right now will have benefits far into the future, more than you can ever imagine. Paedophiles look for kids that are fetched late, whose parents don’t care about them, who are unsupervised, who have poor self esteem and who don’t have a open relationship with their parents (so are unlikely to go to them for help). Parents are absent or uninterested.  The paedophile grooms them by giving them attention, secret gifts and makes them feel special. So a relationship is built up even before the abuse begins.

Believe your child. Talk to them about your day and listen to theirs. Take them seriously.

Talk about good secrets and bad secrets. It’s ok to keep a secret if you’re buying someone a surprise present and you’re happy about it. But secrets that make you feel sad, uncomfortable, scared and keep you awake at night are cause for concern and you should tell mom and dad about them.

Get your child to memorise your phone number. Nicky has been able to do this since he was about 5.

Talk about appropriate and inappropriate touching. They have a right to say no to anything that makes them uncomfortable and scared and it is not their fault and you will not be angry if they tell you. After I read this book I told Nicky about his private parts and that they are private. If an older child or adult child touches him there he must say “No, no,  no” and scream. I also told him if just a little kid does it he must also say “No, no no” but he doesn’t have to scream. (Little kids don’t know what they are doing, and although you still need to set boundaries they are just exploring and the balance of power is also different there).

Know where your child is. Be an actively present parent and trust your instincts if something is not right. Don’t have sleepovers unless you know the parents well.

Be careful about what you share online.  Make sure that your child’s address is not linked to their social media profiles and that their passwords are strong. Talk to your child about the dangers of sharing intimate information and pictures online. Teenagers are in a stage of great hormones and emotions and are vulnerable to cyber bullies and abusers because they feel that no one understands them, This is where the cyberstalker fills a gap. Make sure they are supervised.

There are more tips in her book but this last one is a good summary, it’s called the PANTS rule.

P – Privates are private

A – Always remember your body belongs to you

N – No means no

T – Talk about secrets that upset you

S – Speak up, someone can help

The book gives a very practical approach to dealing with the problem (one thing I picked up – you must do the medical exam within 72 hours for it to hold up in court) and also goes through preparing a child for court. Bruna works at the Teddy Bear Clinic preparing parents for court too. They even have a mock court room there to practice in.

I would say the book is a useful reference point for South African parents and educators. I hope you as a reader never have to deal with this kind of situation, but take the lesson from this post: you can safeguard your child by simply being there for them, so that if anything is even slightly off, they won’t hesitate to come to you and tell you about it, and you can nip it in the bud before anything even has a chance to happen.

Disclaimer: I was provided with the book to review. 

WIN 5 copies of the book!

Simply comment on the post below.

You can also get this book on Amazon here.

Terms and Conditions:

1. This competition will run for a week. The winner will be announced on the Facebook page, and emailed.
2. This competition is open to South African residents only.
3. The prize is not transferable.
4. If you have won on SA Mom Blogs in the past 3 months you will not be eligible to win this competition.
5. If you win the same prize on another site then you forfeit this one.

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