{Honest Women} I was a teen mom

When people hear the term teen mom they usually have a strong reaction against it, if you ask people what they think of when you say the words teen mom the words that follow are usually to the effect of- un-wed, uneducated, naïve, poor, loose, emotional lacking…Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

I was a teen mom I gave birth to my eldest son at the age of 19, I wasn’t ill educated, I knew about and used protection, I didn’t come from a poor background although I would say that emotionally and as far as self love was concerned I was severely lacking…

As a teHonest Women|SA Mom Blogsen mom I was confronted by many challenges;

I was in my first year of college and pregnant I was told by several of my educators that I may as well give up because it is impossible to be successful in the fashion industry and have a family, I made it to my 3rd year but dropped out when I had to choose between work and school in a high risk pregnancy, we had family to feed so I chose to work.

I was played down and treated as a child by many people who should have been helping me prepare to raise one, I had no life experience, no job, no money and I had made a baby with a boy I had been dating for 5 months and who was still in school.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

Often older people would look at me like I was a tart or just stupid they would tut tut that I was unwed and so young and I was even told that by one woman that I should give my baby up because babies should not be raised by babies!Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

My ex was given a lot more freedom and I was expected to give him a lot more freedom because he was a man and I was the woman/ wife and mother, it was as if in the eyes of others it was my fault that he now had a baby to raise instead of people looking at it that we both played our part.

I lost many friends because I could no longer and would no longer party and the relationship I had with my boyfriend grew incredibly strained as I no longer lavished as much individual attention on my partner and now had a baby who needed my undivided love and attention; at the same time I felt a lot of pressure to make our relationship work, I didn’t want to fail and prove everyone right.

Having said all of this my son was still the greatest gift I could ever have received I was young naive and stupid  and my son was my greatest saving grace.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

He taught me patience and made me feel a love I never thought was possible, people think that young moms don’t know what they are doing but I know moms as young as 14 who are more dedicated to their children than some older woman, age has no meaning it is what you make of your life as a mom that makes a difference…

Being a young meant that I was young enough to still be a child with my children when they were young and needed me to be, it meant I was more flexible and adaptable in my ways and that lack of sleep did not affect me as much as it did with my second and 3rd sons.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

My body bounced back quicker and I had more energy, I was also very eager to learn and explore all the many books, ideas and methods that our parents before us did not have.

From a mother’s point of view of course I would prefer it if my children chose to settle down first, go to college enjoy their teens and twenties before having children but as a teen mom and young mother I also know that there are no guarantees and that even longstanding relations can end in a flash and all the money and experience in the world cannot buy happiness or good parenting.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

If my boys come to me one day and tell me that they are sexually active I will not be angry I would rather that they not hide it and then I can provide them with the knowledge and protection so that they do not end up with an unwanted pregnancy, if they brought home a pregnant girlfriend, I would be hurt because I would hope that I had given them the best knowledge I could to avoid it however I would not be angry, I would do everything I could to help him and his partner in every way that I can and will ensure that they take the responsibility and become the loving parent that their child needs and deserves whether he stays with his partner or not.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

Being a teen mom was hard at times; incredibly hard, but I have no regrets, I have pulled through a failed marriage, having to sleep on a friend’s couch working 3 jobs because I had 3 children to raise on my own. I have gone through depression and several miscarriages, I have found love again and married the love of my life, I have had many moments where I have felt like a terrible mother. I have lost my patience, cried and screamed with frustration, but my children have pulled me through each and every dark day and I am incredibly blessed to have been their mother, I believe that being a teen mom was the best thing that could have happened to me, others may not feel the same way but that has been my experience.

This story was written by Chastin from Crazy Momma of Three.

{Honest Women} My children are from heaven

Honest Women|SA Mom BlogsI am the Mommy of nine children – 6 are my own, one is my step-son whom I have raised since the age of 2. One was an abortion and one was a miscarriage.

I could never take the Pill as I reactivated to the hormones. SO most of the time I was damn lucky. The rest of the time I used the Rhythm Method.

I was very shy sexually, so did not share my body with lots of men – unless I was hopelessly drunk. I believe that souls come to you for a reason, that there is no planned or unplanned pregnancy. When the soul is ready, the child will arrive.

I am still trying to work out if the soul enters when the child is born and absorbs oxygen through their lungs, or if the soul enters on fertilization, or perhaps when the heart first starts beating.

My first child Daisy, was a gift from The Heavens. My psychic abilities first came about when I was living in Spain in the mid-1980’s. I was modelling at the time, and had a spiritual revelation. I was to come back to South Africa, work in television, call myself Eve. I was then going to meet a guy who would cut through the bullshit, ask to be my partner and we would have a child.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

Meeting someone was next to impossible as I never went out. I filmed my TV show Take a Break every second Sunday, and in between I either stayed at my Mom’s in Fourways or at my brothers house in Melville.

But, there was one night I did go out – for my brother’s birthday. I went to a club called Idols. It became the most bizarre night, as someone was handing out free Ecstasy pills – the first time in the country.

As an ‘experimental’, I took one and sat back, waiting for the effects to happen. It wasn’t long when this guy comes over to me across the nightclub, sits down and suggests that we stop messing around and just hook up as girlfriend and boyfriend. Within 48 hours we were in bed together in my little caravan in Fourways. Within six weeks I missed my period. And that baby became Daisy, who is now 26 and studying Art at Kingston University in the UK. I would say that Daisy was a planned pregnancy.

Daisy’s father and I married and then split up after six months. We had done our official duty and made Daisy not a bastard. When she was six months old, I went to Cape Town and struggled it out on my own. I needed space to get over the relationship ending.

By the July of 1990, I was back in Johannesburg and in the September I was employed to work at The Market Theatre as a Membership Liaison Officer. At the time, Saturday mornings were the place to be seen, at The Market parking lot where a buzzing Fleamarket would be taking place. I was so blessed to have found work in such a funky environment. And it was the start of a new life.

Within a week, I met a guy who told me his friend was bonking my husband – we still hadn’t got divorced. I was so hurt and humiliated; I let this guy take me out. I got plastered on red wine and we ended up in bed together. Three weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. Daisy was only one years old.

I was living in a caravan and earning minimum wage. I decided to keep the baby, then changed my mind. Abortion was illegal in 1990 so I went to the Government Hospital, underwent psychological tests, ensured that I was classified as insane and was approved to have a legal abortion. The psychologist was a friend of the guy who made me pregnant.

I went to the hospital with my Mom to sign the papers for the abortion, but couldn’t do it and left in floods of tears. I went to Checkers later that afternoon, and the John Denver song Annie was playing.

Come, let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come, let me love you
Come love me again

I walked through that shop with tears running down my cheek. I sang to my baby, and I knew that she had to go.

I drove back to the hospital, signed the papers and was wheeled into theatre the following morning. The gynaecologist stroked my forehead and told me that the next time I was pregnant it would be under happier circumstances. I sent the babies soul to someone who couldn’t have a baby, and I often expect that soul to walk up to me today and recognise me.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

In April of 1991, I met up with Father No 2. An old boyfriend from my youth. We fell into each other’s arms. He lived in Durban. He flew up to see me two weeks after our initial reunion, and I had a pain on the side of my tummy. This was my ovulation pain. He was lying on top of me as I said to him that if we did this, he knew what the consequences are. He said that he did.

And so, Bobby was made. He was called Bobby because Daisy said that I had a bobby I my tummy (baby). Plus the hit TV series TWIN PEAKS was at its prime and the lead sexy character was called Bobby. Plus the paternal Grandfathers name was Robert.

The second name we wanted to be Bart, after Bart Simpson. But we were told that when he was older no one would know who Bart Simpson was, so we called him Bartholomew, which was a family name. It was also one of the disciples in the Bible. Bart Simpson is still very popular.

Bobby was five months old and it was Fathers Day. His dad and I had great sex ( I believe babies are created when the sex is intense ), and three weeks later I was in the toilet at The Wheel  Shopping Center in Durban with Bobby and Daisy doing a pregnancy test. And so came James.

Their father was a partner and DJ in a nightclub called The Rift. There was a promotion of Nirvana’s Nevermind album. I was seven months pregnant with James. The baby kicked and squirmed so much that I had to leave the nightclub. I told the Father that the baby would either love or hate music.

James left home when he was 14 to follow a career in music. He has played in bands and is presently embarking on a new venture which should see his success in the SA music industry. He was a planned unplanned baby.

James was three. I had an argument with my mother in the early hours of the morning on her bi-annual visit to our home. She lived in Johannesburg. I had passionate sex after she left, and exclaimed that I could feel an Angel standing in the room. Emily was conceived.

Their Father and I split up at the end of 2000. It was nasty. It still hurts. He took away my children for six years. I could hardly breathe.

But there are reasons for everything.

When the babies left, I met my present husband of 15 years. He was 11 years my junior. It was a soul mate connection. He had a two year old son, also called James.

We tried for a year to have a child. In October of 2002 I found out I was pregnant. We were elated.

At the three month mark, I started bleeding. We called the baby Diana. I lost her and felt that it was karma for the abortion I had had years earlier. The truth was, I had painted my shop with paint that had fumes toxic to a pregnant woman. We were devastated.

After visiting a celebration of Sai Baba’s birthday – 23 November 2003- my husband and I had passionate sex. And Charlotte was conceived. I was a Mommy again!

July of 2005, my husband and I had make-up sex after a huge row, and Peter was conceived. My husband was horrified. I was elated. Charlotte needed a friend.

Peter was born in April 2006. In August 2006, my other four children refused to return to their fathers care. Overnight, in a two bedroomed cottage on my parent’s property, we had seven children in our care. It was chaotic to say the least.

In 2007, we moved from Umkomaas to Scottburgh and everyone had their own bedroom. I started fulltime work and everything fell to pieces. Arguments ensued between my growing boys and my husband. Bobby was thumped by him for calling me a cunt. Bobby was 15. He lost his temper and threw a brick through our car windscreen.

James started smoking weed and got arrested by the Scottburgh SAPS.

The boys left school and left home – there were too many Jocks in Scottburgh.

Emily grew up too quickly – in a sexual relationship at twelve, sneaking off to party venues when she said she was visiting friends. One of her friends committed suicide, her paternal Grandmother died, her maternal Grandfather died. She failed at school, had an argument with my husband and moved back to her fathers.

So here I now sit – with Daisy (26) in the UK, Bobby (23) working as a camp counsellor at a Wilderness Camp in the USA, James (22) in Cape Town working on some bands, Emily (18) in Durban with her Dad.

At home there is Charlotte (11) and Peter (9) and James (16). We have a nice little cosy set-up and my husband and I have been through our ups and downs but have focused on keeping the family unit together.Honest Women|SA Mom Blogs

We live on an isolated farm on the South Coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal. Close to Durban to travel for work. But far enough not to have visitors. We spent the past two years living without television or radio and we had no car. We lived off the land.

But we have gone past that now and are back in the land of the living with DSTV and a Bakkie. Our children are scattered – some planned, some not planned. But each one of them is a blessing to us. I have a tattoo on my upper arm, with the Roman Numeral VII – the number 7. This represents my children. I do not count the abortion or the miscarriage as I believe these souls have gone elsewhere.

Hitting menopause, I now look forward to having a break from babyhood for a few years, and then welcoming Grandchildren.

I adore and love my 7 children to bits and wouldn’t have changed my life journey for the world.

Sarah-Jane Brown is a PRO Consultant and a successful Psychic living on the South Coast of Kwa-Zulu Natal. She does Tarot Readings and Astrology charts via email all over the world. southafricanfarm@gmail.com.

{Honest Women} Yours, mine and ours

Honest Women - Yours, Mine and Ours| SA Mom Blogs (1)This is one of the most interesting stories I have received for this series. It is a great story about how life sometimes just leads us down a path, despite our best laid plans!

I had my first child Kayla at the age of 16 obviestly unplanned.. I was then also married to my first husband. We had another child planned she is now 9 years old. She was born with heart defect and operated at the age of 6 months.. then when she was 4 years old she was diagnosed with dandy walker syndrome. She is in a special school and stays with her dad during the week and weekends form Friday to Monday she stays with me.. her name is Anereez. Kayla which is now 17 is in grade 11 is my first child. Then I was divorced after 8 years of marrage.  I married again..haha.. with a man that had twins .. Zandre and Stiaan. They are now 7 years old. They are also with us every weekend from Friday to Monday ..  Then my husband also had another son now 14 years old from another relationship ( he only visits about once in two months) and then we have a boy Hendre: he is now 4.Honest Women - Yours, Mine and Ours| SA Mom Blogs (4)

Now the thing is the more the merrier.. is sort of true. But yes on weekends you get tired.. but the key is to keep them busy and occupied…and to keep calm…  Every night after bath time there is are least 2 washing machine loads of clothes to be washed.. Everything is made in bulk.. Bought in bulk.

Cheaper by the dozen.. not true.. it is a very expensive story.. my husband always jokes, says he’s making up his pension money one day: each of them must donate R1000 per month then we have our pension.

Kayla, who is now 17 is like the biggest help ever.. I would not be able to do it without her..Honest Women - Yours, Mine and Ours| SA Mom Blogs (5)

I must say if I have something to say about divorce and marriage and all I will firstly say think it through if you have children in a marriage before you just divorce… I would love to speak to people about this.. it is not so easy and afterwards your children do go through tough times because of our decisions.. Then the whole stigma around being a stepmom.. it’s not always true.. it’s easy to love your own children but its perfection to love someone else’s children.. and people forget to be thankful to stephmoms..  which isn’t fair.Honest Women - Yours, Mine and Ours| SA Mom Blogs (3)

When I met Hendre(my husband) the twins were about 18 months old.. So I really potty trained them when I was pregnant with my smallest son.

They are my own children In my eyes..I don’t see myself as a stephmom but just other mom.

We are a lot and a unique family.. with differences but we love each other in another way.

If you would like to share your family story then please mail me: laura@samomblogs.co.za

{Honest Women} We are not having children

Honest Women - we are not having any children| SA Mom Blogs

I chose the Otherhood

Otherhood is a term coined by Melanie Notkin in her book by the same title, which explores the choice women today are making to not have children. I have made my choice.

I’m going to make a very controversial confession: I can’t stand children. Yes, I am aware I was one once. Yes, I know how horrible it is for me to dislike children, but I do. To say I dislike them is by no means saying I am cruel to them, or rude, or hateful. The irony of this statement is that I am wonderful with children, they love me, but every moment is spent with gritted teeth (mentally, because I’m usually all smiles and tickles with kids). Please understand that before I say anything about kids, these are MY feelings, perceptions, and opinions. They by no means apply to you who has and loves children; nor do they apply to those women out there who dearly want children but can’t. If I could donate every single one of my eggs I would, but I’m currently too fat and my mental illness prevents it. Please do not feel that my opinions are targeting your lifestyle. I applaud your ability to be a mother because one of the reasons I’ve chosen to not have children is because I could never be a mother. I would be an awful mother, and this is one of the numerous reasons for my decision. Please do not shout at me for my dislike of children, I treat them with the same respect I would treat an adult (more usually because kids are nicer), and I treat them kindly. Please do not tell me that I am young, and I will change my mind. I might, but it won’t be because you told me I will, it will be of my volition. I turn 28 in a few weeks time, and while that may seem young, it’s old enough to know what I want to do with my body and my life.

One of the reasons, and probably the main reason I don’t want children is something I’ve already mentioned: I can’t stand children. I am a selfish person, maybe not outright, but my time is valuable. I realized a long time ago how little time I have left in my day. During my day, I sit in traffic for 2 hours, work a 9 hour day, feed my partner and dogs (more on them later), wash laundry and try to maintain order. That usually leaves me with about 3 hours before bedtime, and those few hours are precious to me. Most of my spare time is taken before I’ve gone to the gym, shopped for groceries, or had 5 minutes to myself.  Weekends are my safe, and happy place. I am an absolute introvert, so my weekends are spent recharging with my series, my books, and my pups. Children would ruin that. I would have no time,  specifically no down time. I need time to myself, to recharge and to prepare myself for the coming day/week.

Another reason I don’t want children is babies. Babies terrify the living daylights out of me. They have no means of communication, they’re fragile, and they just lie in a cot undergoing cellular reproduction. I’m sure that they are the universe’s way of punishing us for having premarital sex (for those of us who did, for those of us who didn’t, that screaming bundle of cells is punishing you for some other sin). Toddlers are fun. I don’t dislike toddlers. Toddlers are just beginning to develop little personalities, and senses of humour and this is when they are the most fun. You can speak to toddlers, and tickle them, and play with them very differently from babies. I always fear dropping a baby, or that it will puke on me (please don’t let it puke on me), or wail from fear and never stop ever again. I’m scared of kids, okay?

I decided a long time ago I didn’t want kids. My previous relationship was with an older man, and when I was 19, he was already 26 and quite ready for kids. When I hit 26, I thought he was out of his mind, but we’d already parted by then. Oddly, he is now with a woman a decade his junior who is no more ready to bear children than a tadpole is to win the Olympic 400m hurdles. I suffer from depression, it comes in waves, in leaps and sometimes it quiets for a decade. I’ve only had two severe, suicidal bouts of depression in my 28 years of life, but they were bad enough to land me in a hospital (where I met my fiance). Genetically speaking I am not a good candidate for motherhood. My fiance suffers the same thing, plus. He is not a good candidate for fatherhood. It would be irresponsible of us to bear children. Doctors argue percentages, mothers will tell you that you’ll be okay, but I don’t buy it. I will not doom a child to taking pills for the rest of its life. I will not doom a child to the deep, black, dark ditch that is depression, or the pain of anxiety, or the exhaustion of OCD. I refuse. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

That all being said, I have found I do have a motherly instinct but I have been lucky enough to be able to exert it on my dogs. My dogs are my babies. My day and my life revolve around these two little bodies who rely on me for their daily needs. My youngest, in particular, is a baby. He whines, throws tantrums, and needs far more attention than his older brother. They fill a place in my heart that I didn’t know I had, and they complete my life.

I might chance my mind, I’m not saying that I won’t. However, I’ve decided, and my partner agrees, that one day if we realise that my eggs have dried up, and we feel we’ve missed the boat, we’ll adopt. Even if it’s before my time of bearing children is over, we’ll still adopt. I am not one for pregnancy, it sounds like nine months of hell, and there are so many children on this planet who don’t have homes, why should I bring another into this world? The world is a cruel place; children need all the love they can get, orphans even more so.

Thank you for indulging me, and taking the time to hear me out. I thank you in advance for your respect of my choice of lifestyle, as I have tried my dearest to respect yours.